Miss Lemon, you have several messages.
Let's see... The company running that bike tour in South Carolina says "no singles".
Your credit card company called,
they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.
I sure am.
And your landlord called and said it's not the toilet, it's you.
That's his opinion.
Oh, and Jean from your high school reunion committee called.
They want to know if you're coming this weekend.
No. No way.
Oh, you have to go!
My high school union was so much fun!
Hey, there, Michael!
Oh, my God,
Phil Barror!
Hello, Taniqua.
You gotta go to your reunion.
You can get back at everyone who ever messed with you.
You said I'd never amount to anything! Look at me now!
Look at this necklace!
Sir, this is a school for deaf girls.
Jenna: And I definitely would've gone to my reunion
but the boat I was educated on sank.
Well, I wouldn't have fun, so I'm not going.
Kathy! Look up here, Kathy!
We shouldn't have to go through this, sir. You're doing the job of C.E.O.,
it should be you on the cover of the Quarterly Report.
It will be. If Kathy's father ever comes out of his coma.
Until then, the board put her in charge and we need to respect that.
What if something happened to her? Something bad.
Then we'd have a secret that bound us together!
What is she doing?
I don't know.
Either a weather event's approaching or...
Get me Jack Donaghy.
How come there's no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
They got every race and life-form in the galaxy,
except for Puerto Ricans!
What's up with that?!
What is this, the local?
He woke up.
Geiss woke up!
What?
What's that flavor?
It's Dove age-fighting acne cream.
Geiss is awake!
You're gonna be C.E.O.!
Yes. I was the first person he called. Well, his French-Canadian mistress, then me.
I'm meeting him in one hour on the Edison Terrace.
I did it, Lemon. I got the brass ring.
And I couldn't have done it without...
my lucky coin.
I'm happy for you.
You're having your reunion this weekend?
I wish I had a Princeton reunion right now.
Wipe that smug smile off Michelle Obama's face.
Am I the only person around here that doesn't like reunions?
Don't tell me you're not going to go.
This may come as a surprise to you Jack,
but I was kind of a lonel nerd in high school.
If I remember correctly, you were also a good deal more...
Uh-huh. It was hell for me.
I just wanted to be left alone,
but I guess every high school has people like Kelsey Winthrop.
Hey Liz, how's the telescope?
[mutters]
The only people going to this thing are people like her and her stupid friends.
The cool, pretty crowd.
Well, that's you now, Lemon.
You run a hit TV show,
you have very impressive friends,
you've found a hairstyle that works for you so long as it's not too humid.
And you're telling me that you don't have the confidence
to face a bunch of whittling, jugblowing IHOP monkeys?
Jack, It's a suburb of Philadelphia
Lemon, you will go and show that Kelsey Winthrop
that the ugly duckling has turned into a vaguely ethnic swan.
No. I'm not going.
I'll never get a rental car now anyway.
Well, then take the G.E. jet.
The C.E.O. insists.
There's popcorn on the plane.
I want to go to there.
Mr. Geiss, It is very good to see you up and about, sir.
Yes!
Jackie-boy! I think you know why you're here.
Congratulations.
You are the first to know officially
that I'm staying on as C.E.O.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
A beam of energy came and spoke to me during my coma.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't know what it was.
It could have been an alien.
Maybe it was God.
Maybe it was an unborn Aztec king.
But it told me my work here is not yet done.
Oh, it's done. I think it's done!
You're still my choice to take over when I die.
If that ever even happens.
Tray, why are you in your angry chair?
Because Kenneth got a bigger laugh in the elevator than me today.
And where were you two?
Your job is to protect me from embarrassment!
Grizz had to go to the optometrist.
Making up words won't save you!
Okay, we're gettin in the elevator with Kenneth
and you're going to laugh at my jokes!
Hey, Hey. I'm so glad I found you.
There's been a change of plans
Geiss is staying on as C.E.O.
What?
A beam of energy told him to.
That's fun, right?
And instead of running everything I'm going back to my old job so...
the Standards Department
is telling me you can only say "cat anus" twice during the show.
But I'm gonna fight for you!
You can say it three times!
Cat anus, cat anus, cat anus!
Are you okay?
I have to be.
What are my other options?
Cry? Wallow?
If I do that, Geiss and the beam win.
If I control my feelings, I win!
Jeez, Jack, tough year.
First William F. Buckley dies, now this.
Next stop impotence, right?
So since we don't have the jet I guess...
No, no! you're still going to your reunion. Nothing changes.
I've rented a jet and I'll drop you off on my way to Miami.
Why are you going to Miami?
Why does anyone go to Miami?
Ass and the burgeoning art scene.
I gotta blow off some steam.
Come on, let's go have some fun.
I'm sorry you're stuck in White Haven.
Boy, it was something landing in this storm, huh?
Listen, about some of this stuff that I said...
One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti!
Sometimes I pee in the shower if I'm really tired!
I saw my grandparents making love once
and I didn't leave right away!
He didn't give it to me.
All that work, all that sacrifice. Why did I bother?
I know. But remember,
don't let'em win! "Cat anus"?
I don't know who I am.
Jack!
I don't know where I am.
I know it's not Miami,
but you can blow off steam here.
We have a lovely N.C. Wyeth museum...
Actually, some meth addicts burned that place down last August.
Oh. well there are excellent restaurants down on Cabot Street...
Um, the Vietnamese immigrants took over all of those places.
I wouldn't recommend going to Little Hanoi after dark
unless you're wearing a khan dong.
Why don't you Just direct me to the bar?
Sorry, sir, no bars here.
We've been a dry county since 1880.
It's the one tradition that remains!
But do you like Methodist churches full of Vietnamese?
Give me the key.
Hey, elevator, what's this?
It's a ghetto mating call!
Wow, I didn't get the memo!
Jeesh, buy a guy a drink first!
This place is bigger than my apartment!
# ["Need You Tonight" by INXS Plays...] #
A Manhattan, please.
Sure, what kind of bourbon?
A white wine spritzer, please.
Kelsey Winthrop
I think Danvers has a bar.
To get there go straight down Ngo Dinh Diem Boulevard
until you see a sign that says "Detour".
Ignore that, it's a trap.
And then you want to get on Route Nine going West about 30 miles.
Does the reunion have a bar?
Kelsey?
It's Liz Lemon.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. Surprising.
But, cocoon, and then...
Flap, flap, flap. Butterfly.
Wow! I did not think you'd come.
Well, I almost didn't.
I was in Manhattan, working in the fast lane.
You made life a living hell for everyone here.
You would have to come to the reunion
and make us go through it all again!
What?
I tried to befriend you just so you'd leave me alone!
Hey, Liz, how's the telescope?
I don't know, Kelsey. How's your mother's pill addiction?
What are you talking about?
I was a nerd!
You were a bully!
We were all afraid of you!
We called you the White Haven witch!
Lemon!
Erin, no! Don't sink to her level!
This is a beauty mark!
But you thought it was funny to say that God pooped on me.
I didn't think anyone was listening to me.
I was a nobody!
You were the homecoming queen!
I have had years of therapy...
Oh no, Kels, your facial tic.
You brought it back! Are you happy?!
And I've still got the mulch business.
It's hard work but I'm outside all day
and I don't answer to anyone.
Excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Are you happy?
Well, I got a boat, good friends, a trampoline.
You tell me.
That's the life, right?
What are you doing here?
I'm getting drunk. Lemon, would you buy my mulch?
I don't know, Jack.
I just found out that I was a jerk in high school.
Turns out I'm not the lovable nerd, I was the bully you hate.
This is mostly spit!
Hello, Elizabeth. It's Rob Sussman.
Still think I'm "gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun"?
What? No, we were friends!
I only said that stuff to try to make it
okay for you to come out.
Come out of what?
I'd like you to meet my wife
with whom I've raised three beautiful dogs.
Oh, boy.
I cannot deal right now.
I am so mad all I can do is dance!
Even Rob Sussman hated me?!
He was the first gay guy I ever kissed!
What's wrong with these people?
Nothing, they're good Americans.
Hey, Lemon. Check this out. I just made it up.
The Three B's...
Beer, boats and buds.
Doesn't that sound great?
Are you having a stroke?
No, no. All my life I thought I made good choices. But am I happy?
These people are happy.
I envy them.
I wish I was one of them.
Larry?
Larry Braverman?
Yes.
I am Larry Braverman.
Larry Braverman.
No one has seen you since graduation.
You're still like the coolest guy ever!
You still have your old Camaro?
No, no.
It finally broke down.
Yeah, from having too much sex in it.
You rock!
Hey, let's go out in the parking lot and do donuts.
Just like the old days!
Let's do some donuts.
How is this working?
You were 12 years older than everybody here.
Lemon, rich 50 is middle class 38, okay?
Jack.
No. I don't want to be Jack Donaghy anymore.
I'm Larry now. That's one thing that Don Geiss can't take away from me.
Now, are you gonna be leaving soon?
Cause you're kind of harshing everyone's buzz around here.
No. I'm not gonna leave.
Sure, I said some dumb things in high school, but I've changed.
I'm gonna turn this thing around, Jack.
Show everybody the good, kind person I've become!
Go home, Lemon!
No way, new friend!
Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?
Of course, Tracy. We're actors.
If we didn't exist, how would people know who to vote for?
And people around here shouldn't take attention away from us, should they?
No, never! Attention is what gives us power.
If someone threatens that, you need to put a stop to it.
Who are you worried about? Is it Allison from Wardrobe's baby?
What is up with that thing?
So she can put her feet in her mouth. So can I.
It's not the baby. It's Kenneth.
Kenneth? Are you crazy?
Come on, he knows his place.
And he worships us.
Yeah, he does...
Come on, you know we're the big dogs around here.
Hey, let's go throw a tantrum about the air conditioning.
That sounds really nice.
Larry?
Larry? It's me, Jessica.
I can't believe you're here.
You never answered my letters.
I didn't know what to say.
Because of... you know. The things.
I hate the way we ended, Larry.
I'm so, so sorry for what happened.
I forgive you.
Jessica.
Really? Even for...
Especially for that.
Say what you said to me that night at the lake.
No.
# ["Obsession" by Animotion Plays...] #
Guys, I just want to say I am so, so sorry if I ever --
Really, Liz?!
Twenty years too late and way too little.
Why don't you please leave us alone. We're trying to have fun tonight.
That's my point. I've changed.
New Liz is fun!
I don't ruin parties, I get them going!
Look! Let's all do The Diane!
What is wrong with you?
Diane?
Hi.
Could you hit four, please?
Next stop, Kansas City!
You are so funny. They should put you on the show!
# Did you ever know that you're my hero, #
# and everything I would like to be. #
Singing in the elevator!
It's like a road-trip to the sky!
# 99 bottles of beer on the wall #
# 99 bottles of beer #
# You take one down and pass it around #
# 98 bottles of beer #
[Screaming]
Kenneth is a monster!
We have to stop him!
I want you all to know how happy I am right now.
Being here with you people has helped me more than you can know.
To us!
Look at us! Just like we're back in high school!
You know what was always my favorite thing?
Seven Minutes in Heaven.
You always got the bottle to land on me.
Think you still got the touch?
Oh, yeah.
What are we all doing?
Boo!
Just to be clear, we're not making out. That would be social suicide.
Ugh. Like I even want to be here.
In this closet, at this reunion.
It's a nightmare!
A nightmare for whom, Lemon?
If these jagweeds don't want to get to know the nice, new me
then screw them and their rapidly yellowing teeth.
Wow, Lemon, you really haven't changed have you?
Excuse me?
What happened when I told you Geiss had screwed me over for the C.E.O. job?
Did you offer your help as a friend or did you make some joke about my being impotent?
Jeez, that was like eight hours ago! I was just,
I don't know, cutting the tension.
Or, as always, were you hiding behind your sense of humor instead of engaging in a real way?
Really? I'm the one who's hiding? Larry Braverman?
There it is, right there.
When you feel threatened, you attack.
That's why you're almost 40 and still alone!
At least I'm not 50, alone,
and sitting on 2,000 business cards for a job I'm never going to get!
What did you say?
Your bags were delivered to my room by accident.
Look what I found.
You went to a printer, didn't you?
You picked out a font.
You paid extra for a rush order.
It was your happy, little secret.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
Why is she so mean?
What did you do to Braverman?!
She's awful!
She's the gay one!
Here's your lunch order, Mr. Parcell.
Just the way you like it.
Ham Sandwich with the works. Hold the bread.
But that's my job...
This studio hosted The Kraft Television Theatre in the 1 950s,
where young writers like Paddy Chayefsky and Rod Serling first rose to prominence.
Mr. Jordan, why are you giving a tour?
It doesn't feel good when someone does your job, does it?
I don't understand...
I don't like it when you make jokes in the elevator. That's my job!
Oh, Lord, I didn't know!
I would never do anything to hurt you! You're my best friend!
We're not really best friends we are just good friends!
I just want you to stop.
I will! I will!
I'm so sorry, Miss Maroney.
No, keep crying.
I want you to feel this so you never make this mistake again.
And for traveling the farthest distance, David Messinger!
Hey Larry, we've got a plan to get back at Liz and want to know if you're in.
We're gonna "Carrie" her.
Like the movie.
It will be delicious!
And now... for Best School Spirit, it's Liz Lemon!
Come up on stage, Liz!
No, thanks. I don't want it.
It comes with a $50 gift certificate to Outback Steak House.
I want to go to there.
Wait!
Wait, wait! We cannot do this. We cannot "Carrie" Liz Lemon.
Aw, not okay, guys!
We all know that Liz Lemon has her faults. But no one's perfect.
I mean, I'm certainly not perfect.
Don't say that, Larry! You're more than perfect!
No, it's true. I've made mistakes.
Sacrificed happiness for a job I don't think I'm ever going to get.
We all have our ways of coping. I use sex and awesomeness.
Lemon here hides behind her insults.
But that's not who she is.
She's a good person
whom I'm honored to call my friend.
Thank you, Larry.
And I'm sorry I lashed out at you. You will need those cards someday.
Larry, we're also happy to have you back in our lives.
But me especially.
Because there's someone I want you to meet.
Larry...
this is your son.
I am not Larry Braverman.
I repeat, I am not Larry Braverman.
I am Liz Lemon's platonic friend Jack Donaghy.
Lemon, come on, let's go.
[Crowd groans]
Once and for all, I want to say I'm sorry.
[Crowd groans]
You know what? Suck it, you whittling IHOP monkeys!
Lemon, the jet is waiting!
That's right. A Jet to New York City!
Lemon out!
Braverman!